My heart is so full – it overflows with tears. My body is full of aches for various reasons, more physical, and I can’t sleep. It’s been 39 years today since my Dad died. He was only just 62. (It was so strange to live past that age myself and think about that.) I’d driven back as I could to join Mom at his hospital bed a few times. It hurts now to even try to imagine the pain and loss that she was feeling. I was so unsupportive. I couldn’t imagine, it didn’t even enter my mind and was probably beyond my understanding at the time, the loss she bore, the rending of the love she and Dad had together, born in the time of war and fear, and forged in a crucible of uncertainty, with nothing sure but their love for one another, their devotion to being a family, to serving the God they both honored and loved, and being a source of a glimpse of Christ, and serving Him, in the community in which they lived. Dad did his best to teach and raise a generation of young people who knew the values of our country, and to raise his family to be an example to the community. It was bittersweet later to live in France and visit the places he’d taught me about in his world history classes. If only I’d been able to see them with him. I resent all those years my town had to do without his leadership, my kids and I had to do without his wisdom and guidance and example, my mom had to do without her partner, her companion, her love.
Tucker, our little cat, is enduring his last days. All my sorrow for all the losses over the years is surfacing again. It is the natural cycle of life. To be merciful, we’ll need to make a hard choice. Yet I’m finding this time all the more difficult, because Tucker is the last connection I have with my son Jeremy, from whom we inherited him. He’s been my little couch buddy evenings. I’ll miss his presence, his calm acceptance of life with us, and the fact that we’d take care of him. I hope he feels my love. I hope Mom and Dad knew how much l loved them, and understood that in my youth and inexperience and family needs that I was a there for them as I could be. I hope to be forgiven if I failed to meet their needs of support. I hope that they both knew how much their love and support of me has always meant, and how it was there for me, especially in college, as I tried to find my way. That their values and their shining examples have been my guiding lights in life. I think of all they accomplished, in the time they had, in the place they lived, and wish I’d been able to even scratch the surface of what they’d expected of me.
This loss also focuses all the ones to come – friends from over the years, and that of Jack – most unbearable of all.
6/21/2022
